Want to make your date fall for you? Here’s why being a bit unavailable works—but playing games backfires every time.
By Caitlin Ascolese ew research proves what Vincent Chase on Entourage taught us: Playing it cool can definitely help your love life. “Our study found that when you like someone but aren’t sure if they like you back, it’s far more alluring to you than if you like someone and know they like you back,” says Paul Eastwick, a graduate student at the Northwestern Relationships Lab at Northwestern University. Maybe it’s the thrill of the chase or the excitement of the uncertainty, but potential mates really do fall for you faster if you’re tough to pin down.
But there’s a fine line between being a bit elusive and coming off as a complete
Don’t wait three days: Call when you want to talk.
player. “People are so savvy right now that they can immediately weed out someone who’s insincere,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. In other words, being hard to get is an aphrodisiac, but playing hard to get is a sure way to sabotage things ASAP. We asked relationship experts to weigh in the most common ways people try to play hard to get—and offer smarter solutions that seem sexy, not scheming.
Hot Topic: Returning emails The old-school strategy: Wait at least as long as the person took to write to reply. Ding! You’ve got a new message from your crush. You know the worry: If you hit “reply” right away, and it’ll look like you’re just sitting around waiting for that email, so you sit on your hands till you can reply without looking desperate.
The better plan: If you wait too long, your game-playing becomes obvious, because we all know it doesn’t take more than a few seconds to type a “hey, nice to hear from you” note. “You don’t want to send long emails a dozen times a day, but definitely write the person back within 24 hours, or the same day if possible,” says Jackie Black, Ph.D., author of Meeting Your Match. That guideline will prevent you from seeming aloof and keep you on pace to find out if you’re a real match offline.
Hot topic: Drive-by phone calls The old-school strategy: Call the person while you’re on the go—say, in traffic or waiting for someone at a restaurant.
The better plan: True, calling from a busy location proves that you’re an out-and-about kind of person. But it also says that you’re so intimidated by quality conversation that you have to multitask. That’s an instant turnoff to someone who’s looking for a partner with solid relationship potential. “It really dishonors the other person,” says Alice. For best results (and to avoid annoying phone cut-outs), only bother calling when you’ve got the time and quiet to actually talk.
Hot Topic: Waiting to call The old-school strategy: Let a pre-set amount of time go by before getting in touch. Most people have their own version of these waiting-game rules—says, three days after getting a prospect’s number; forty-eight hours after the first date… never past Wednesday under a full moon.
A better plan: Whatever your go-to time-frame for making a move, consider replacing it with this one: Call the person when you want to talk. “Waiting just for the sake of waiting sends the message that you’re a player, insincere, and unable to commit,” says Black. “The people who that will attract are the people who match those unattractive qualities.” No, you don’t want to leave a
Allow your date access to your already-busy life.
billion voice mails so you seem desperate, but following your instinct will put the real you on the line. Wait too long, and a perfectly great match could simply lose momentum and fizzle out. But if you mix up your callback time — so you’re consistent but not totally predictable — you’ll still be hard to get… just not rude.
Hot Topic: Flaunting your options The old-school strategy: Hint (or worse) at being involved with other people. “One thing I see all the time is people purposely bringing dates to a place where they know another person they’re dating will see them,” says Joy Villaneuva, a cocktail server at Las Vegas hotspot Light Nightclub at Bellagio. “It always backfires because one date feels used, one feels insulted, and neither of them wants to spend time with you.”
A better plan: Even if you’re not so brazen as to bring competing suitors into the same room, you may think you’re being clever by mentioning other prospects so your date knows you’re a hot property. But “you’re only sabotaging yourself by doing this because it basically broadcasts that you’re insecure and trying to making the person jealous,” says Alice. So don’t say anything about other people until it’s time to have the exclusivity talk. After all, leaving your date wondering whether you’re seeing anyone else makes you intriguing; letting that person know you are seeing someone else makes you unavailable.
Hot Topic: Acting a little uninterested The old-school strategy: Give your date a little insult so he or she works harder to win you over.
A better plan: When the best-selling book The Game came out in 2005, it introduced millions of readers to the “neg”: A subtle jab that makes the person feel insecure around you (like, “Great nails—are they real?”). “Singles do this to build up self-esteem, but it really makes them seem scared of intimacy,” says Alice. “A far better way to get that self-esteem is to make people want to be around you because of your personality.” To that end, make jokes about things you have in common or at your own expense to put the person at ease and show your date you’re funny and gracious.
Hot Topic: Acting a little over-interested The old-school strategy: Tease wildly over email or cell, but act cool when it comes to physical contact.
A better plan: Maybe you know one of these types: The super-sultry text-messaging type who blushes in person at the slightest flirtation; the flirty emailer who won’t kiss at the end of the date. Whether consciously playing coy or not, this dater is part of a trend. “It’s so easy to be suggestive when you don’t have to see the person, but then you meet him or her and have to see if the chemistry’s actually there,” says Alice. Limit your between-dates communication, especially anything saucy. Then any in-person flirtation will feel genuine and exciting—not disappointing.
Hot Topic: Making dates work to fit into your schedule The old-school strategy: Have (or pretend to have) so many plans it’s nearly impossible to squeeze in a date.
A better plan: It takes a lot of courage for someone to ask you out, which is why it can be very off-putting if your response is “How’s three weeks from next Tuesday?” It’s great to have things to do—it proves you’ve got a busy, full life, which is super-sexy. But if there’s literally no time to date, then you probably shouldn’t be dating—especially if you’re hoping to connect with someone with just as full a life. So instead of forcing yourself to block out entire evenings for rote dinners-and-movies, allow your date access to your already-busy life. “Suggest things to do that you enjoy and invite the person into your life,“ says Black. Think: “I’m pretty booked, but I was hoping to get to the wild dogs exhibition at the nature center this weekend—want to check it out?” or “I never miss my Thursday tai chi—any interest?” Not only will you make time for someone special, you’ll bond in fun new ways that you’d never get over a glass of “So where did you go to college?”
Caitlin Ascolese is a freelance writer in New York City.
ew research proves what Vincent Chase on Entourage taught us: Playing it cool can definitely help your love life. “Our study found that when you like someone but aren’t sure if they like you back, it’s far more alluring to you than if you like someone and know they like you back,” says Paul Eastwick, a graduate student at the Northwestern Relationships Lab at Northwestern University. Maybe it’s the thrill of the chase or the excitement of the uncertainty, but potential mates really do fall for you faster if you’re tough to pin down.
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