The Most Horrifying Dates Ever!

Ghosts, goblins, and other Halloween scares don’t hold a candle to these tales of love gone wrong. Read on and take heart these didn’t happen to you.

By Laura Gilbert

Blood relations
“A friend of a friend called me for a date, and we agreed to go for a walk. Things were going well, until he mentioned that he was a member of a secret church in which the only women allowed were ‘goddesses.’ He started talking about vampirism but was elusive about his own vampire-status, saying ‘Real vampires never say they’re vampires.’ Then he mentioned that, due to his thirst for blood, he’d once
“He was elusive about his own vampire-status, saying ‘Real vampires never say they’re vampires.’”
had to attack a woman in a park. Needless to say, the date ended really quickly after that!”
—Heather M.*, Newark, DE

Into the cuckoo’s nest
“I had a first date with a recent divorcé at a lovely Italian restaurant on a Saturday night. I proceeded to order eggplant Parmesan. As soon as I said it, he started choking, even though he had nothing in his mouth. Apparently, that was his ex’s favorite dish—and as I was about to find out, he was still hung up on her. I offered him water, the waiter whacked him on the back, but he wound up having a full-blown panic attack, so I called an ambulance. Since I couldn’t ride in the ambulance because I wasn’t a relative, I had to meet him at the hospital, where doctors determined that he was still so upset that he was committed to psychiatric care. By the time his paperwork was processed, my date couldn’t remember my name. Even so, he asked me to go to the store and buy him cigarettes, underwear, and deodorant. When I returned to the hospital, I suppose that was our second date, because it was already Sunday. But it was our last.”
—Sherry Davey, Brooklyn, NY

Anatomy of desire
“I had a dinner date with a guy I met at karate class—a cute doctor, to boot! Over the meal, I asked him what type of doctor he was, he said he was an ob-gyn. I tried to joke and be like, ‘Well, not really dinner conversation, huh?’ and ‘Oh, I’m sure that like other job that gets boring—it must be like making copies after a while,’ But he was like, ‘Oh, no, not when you see what some of these women come down with and proceeded to describe how unboring it was. He spent the rest of the meal talking about women’s privates and funky smells and Pap smears. Charming!”
—Amy S.*, Sea Cliff, NY

Hate to eat and run, but…
“A guy took me out to eat at a moderately-priced restaurant. At the end of the meal I used the restroom, and when I got back, he said he’d paid and we were set to go. I was puzzled when he kept pulling my arm to walk faster... until I realized our waitress was literally chasing us down the street. I made him stop and when she caught up with him, she ‘reminded’ him that he needed to pay. He played dumb and paid up, but the fact that he’d rushed out of the restaurant made it obvious it was on purpose. Let’s just say he never got another date or even acknowledgment of his existence after that.”
—Brittney Cason, Charlotte County, VA

Coffee, tea, me?
“I was sitting in a cafe with my date, who seemed quite articulate and bright. He was having a cup of tea. The next thing I knew, he finished the tea, took the tea bag out of the mug, and started rubbing it all over his face and neck. To this day, I still don’t know why. I switched into my best professional voice and calmly asked, ‘Why are you doing that?’ He answered, ‘It feels good!’ I don’t know which was worse—the fact that it happened or the fact that, when I told another single friend of mine, she suggested I give him another chance because ‘He is a lawyer.’ It was a real low point in my dating life!”
—Claudia Rutherford, Northampton, MA

Got it licked
“I agreed to go on a date with the son of my parents’ insurance agent. He bored me over dinner and then dragged me roller skating, which I didn’t even know how to do. After about ten minutes, I claimed I had a sore ankle and needed to go home. But that wasn’t in his
“He said he’d paid the bill, so we left the restaurant... then I realized our waitress was literally chasing us down the street.”
game plan. He took me to a parking lot and proceeded to ‘kiss’ me—or at least, I think that’s what he thought he was doing. Basically he licked my entire face like an overgrown Lab. After I was good and wet and covered with his saliva, he finally drove me home. I got inside and scrubbed my face so ferociously that it was red for two days afterwards.”
—Suzanne L.*, Miami Lakes, FL

Meals on deals
“My first date took me out to dinner at a restaurant—and whipped out a coupon for a two-fer and told me I’d be having the prime rib. Later, he complained about movies being $10 and used a student ID to get $1.50 off, then looked at me as though I should be buying my own ticket. Only in LA!”
—Gayle A.*, Los Angeles, CA

Hair-raising encounter
“A few months ago, I sat down with a blind date and right off the bat, he looked down at my arm and said, ‘You’re a cute guy, but I didn’t know you’d be so hairy.’ I was a little embarrassed, but tried to make a joke of it by saying, ‘Well, I’m Italian.’ But he kept staring at my arm so I got a little sarcastic and said, ‘That’s okay with you, right?’ ‘Yeah, I guess it’s okay,’ he shrugged. We started chatting and I thought we’d made it over the hump, but an hour later, he interjected out of nowhere, ‘Did you ever consider electrolysis?’”
—Stephan M.*, New York, NY

What A Gas!
“My date picked me up — by honking his horn from my driveway — then told me that he had to buy gas. I got in the car and pointed him to a gas station near my house, but he complained that it was too expensive. He proceeded to drive around, comparison shopping gas prices at what must have been dozens of gas stations. I actually fell asleep, and woke up back in front of my house. He’d driven me back because he was so irritated that I wasn’t engaged in his hunt for the lowest-priced gas!”
—Terry E.*, Los Angeles, CA

* Some full names are not given to protect the victims’ privacy, but — cue creepy music — it all happened!

New York-based freelance writer Laura Gilbert’s worst date involved twin brothers, seaweed, a band named after a sex toy and a dinner bill paid in quarters.
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